Patricia Mischell, The Death of a Spouse

Since there is no closer union in life than that of a husband and wife you can expect that the feelings of loss will be more difficult and long lasting. In marriage, more than any other type of relationship, all elements of life are shared, intellectual, physical, emotional, social, economic and religious. Because there is so many aspects of life shared with your spouse they will be many levels in which an adjustment must take place. This can be very frightening and lonely experience, but know that the feelings you are experiencing are normal and in time you WILL HEAL.

COMMONLY SHARED FEELINGS

"I'm feeling angry at those I love more than ever before. What can I do about this anger?"

Of all of the human emotions, anger can be expressed most easily. More than fear, guilt, doubt and love. Therefore, anger is a normal reaction after the death of a spouse. Directing your anger to what you are really angry about is one of the most important steps towards healing. Don't feel guilty about being angry, anger is a normal reaction to the death of a spouse. Many experience feelings of anger towards their spouse for leaving them. This is especially true if the spouse died from something that could have been prevented. If you perceive your spouses death as one that was due to careless or reckless behaviors, this could compound the anger.

The first step in dealing with this anger is to remember to analyze what you are really angry at. Try expressing and eliminating this anger through conversations with friends or loved ones, screaming in an empty room, hitting a pillow, contact sport or exercising.

"I feel so isolated and alone. What can I do about feeling a part of life again?"

Become active, socialize, find outside activities that interest you. Try to recall things you have been interested in, things in the past that you wanted to do or get involved in. Once you have established an interest make a diligent effort to go and be apart of life, the things that you always wanted to do in the past.

Try testing your skills in art, wood working, sports or any kind of hobby that you have admired.

"I have problems making up my mind about what to do. I'm so indecisive. What can I do?"

When a person has been in a relationship they become accustom to making decisions with their spouse. You have been making decisions jointly for so long and now it is up to you alone. Try continuing to make decisions on things that were previously yours to decide like what food to eat, clothes, etc. Then slowly incorporate small matters into the decision making. Before long you will notice that you are very capable and competent at making the decisions on your own.

The fear of making the wrong decision is the result of blaming others for making the wrong decisions now is all on your shoulders. This can be a scary process, but remember there was a time in your life that you made decisions on your own. Remember that everyone makes mistakes and that each mistake is a learning experience, and another step in life. With each step you will notice that you not only feel more comfortable with making decisions but your very competent at making them.

"I don't feel comfortable spending time with my friends and their spouses any more. Is this normal?"

Yes, it is normal to feel uncomfortable with your friends that are married. It is a reminder to you that you no longer have a mate and this can promote feelings of loneliness and a sense of being incomplete.

It is important for you to look at these feelings and realize that your spouse did not make you a whole person. With or without your spouse you are a whole person. The whole person your spouse feel in love with is you.